Isolation in the Pandemic - insights & tips
The first lockdown highlighted a common dilemma for people who need their space and time alone during a period when escaping a partner’s or housemate’s presence may not have been easy to achieve. As we find ourselves in second national lockdown in the UK and many others face lockdown type conditions and restrictions on their lives throughout the world during this pandemic, I felt moved to examine the difference between being alone and loneliness and exploring what we can do about the scourge of loneliness and isolation afflicting so many of us.
During lockdowns, we find ourselves beset by contradictory challenges. More strongly introverted people find it difficult to get the uninterrupted recharge time alone that they need; especially when they need more time than a walk or someone’s absence from the home allows. Extroverts may find this hard to understand and be offended by someone they love’s desire for more space and time alone. Conversely, people who live alone, even when they generally prefer that way of being, find the sheer volume of aloneness too much. I fall into this category and this has caused me to contemplate at length the relationship between aloneness and loneliness and I thought it might be worth starting a Conversation Worth Having about this…
Aloneness and lonliness…
What’s the difference between being alone and being lonely? Crucially, being alone is usually a choice – something over which we have agency, except when we are forced to share space with other people. We tend to create the conditions for ourselves to enjoy the optimum level of aloneness or the opportunity for it depending on our need. Loneliness, on the other hand, is not chosen. Loneliness is an affliction that descends on us due to circumstances and bad past choices. Loneliness is a killer. The good news is that it’s a curable disease.
Think of Aloneness and Loneliness as twin sisters. They both have much to say to us, but one is kind, loving and understanding and the other appears cruel, accusatory and condemning. So far you may have only glimpsed both and, because Aloneness is beautiful & alluring, you crave to get to know her better, but her sister travels everywhere with her & can be a fearful housemate.
Whilst they are twin sisters, they are not identical once you get to know them. In the early days of our relationship, I found them hard to tell apart and this is why it’s necessary to sit with both, to give both time and attention and respect – to develop a conscious understanding of both, so you can know which one is around just by the sound of their footsteps…
I have lived with both for quite a while now and Aloneness is my firm friend, but her sister is a hellish guest that requires managing and, despite promising to move out often & disappearing for days and weeks at a time, she keeps coming back, albeit less and less these days.
I haven’t yet found a way to get her to leave permanently. When she comes storming back into the house, all the peace that was there can be shattered in a second. It can be shocking & disruptive. It gets easier, but she’s very hard to ignore & she’s spent a lot of time with me to the point where I really disliked her and that affected my feelings for her sister and I sometimes can’t help blaming Aloneness for the damage her sister causes.How do I get started?
The key to unlocking the power of nature is in presence. Let yourself be immersed completely and all your senses to be stimulated. Allow your ears, eyes, nose, mouth, hands and feet to communicate with nature.
Don’t be afraid to say…“I need you to give me time alone.”
Thoughts on what might help…
There are two things that help me: First and most obvious (I hope) is that I know I am never truly alone - I am always connected to those I love and that love me and, when Loneliness comes, they can be called upon day or night to talk, FaceTime, WhatsApp, to relieve me of her presence, but, of course, that is not quite the same as someone’s physical presence and, consequently, contemplating connection or actually contacting a friend, whilst lovely and helpful, usually just makes Loneliness find another room and shut up for a while... she’s usually still lurking somewhere. (As a side note, I’d like to acknowledge here that I know that there are lonely people who do not feel connected or loved and do not have people they can call in the way I’ve described – I know how fortunate I am in that respect – and I have some particular suggestions for those suffering that particularly acute form of loneliness at the end of this post.)
Second, being conscious of my love of Aloneness and her relationship to her sister allows me to recognise the signs that Loneliness is on her way and, when she arrives, to be more tolerant of her presence and less bothered by it. I know she will leave and that beautiful Aloneness and I can carry on our love affair in peace. The less attention I now give to Loneliness, the quicker she gets bored and leaves… I sometimes wonder where she goes, but I know that, for me, if I observe her closely with my awareness and then deliberately shift my awareness to some other part of my consciousness, she just fades away into the darkness of the forests that surround my consciousness clearing (if this analogy means nothing to you, try my guided meditation course! I liken consciousness to a forest clearing into which thoughts and emotions and moods wonder, stay a while and then leave…)
Tips if you need time alone
At an appropriately calm and connected time (never during an argument or dispute), explain your need for time alone. Gently help the person/s you’re in lockdown with understand that your need is not a criticism of them; that it’s not about them at all, but about your needs. Be kind, rational and compassionate in your explanation. Remind them that you will be a nicer person to be around if your needs are met (and then make sure you actually are!)
Ask them what their needs are and how you can help meet them.
Make a specific request. Do not be vague. “I need some time on my own” could mean 10 mins or 10 days. Be precise in what you mean and what your needs are.
Negotiate, if necessary, a quid pro quo – for example, in return for an afternoon alone in the flat, you will sit and watch that TV show you don’t really want to watch.
Reach an agreement about how you will signal your need for time alone (be explicit – do not expect mind reading)
Be clear about your boundaries and communicate them clearly (this applies in all life circumstances, but is particularly important when interpersonal relationships are under pressure.
Hold up your end of whatever bargain your reach.
Remember, everyone is struggling, everyone is on edge. Be kind and forgiving. About every decision and request ask yourself, “what is the loving thing to do here?” Loving for yourself and loving for the other person/s involved.
Another helpful consequence of this conscious contemplation of Aloneness and Loneliness is that I am able to understand when someone needs to be alone. It allows me to be secure in the knowledge that it is not about me, that it is not a rejection of my presence, but rather a request for what they need. What I can and will do is respond with love, compassion and immediate action to that person saying “I need you to give me time alone.” Explain your needs and boundaries and don’t be afraid to say this; it’s actually the loving and compassionate thing to ask because the alternative is that you tolerate someone’s presence and resentment and anxiety builds – I’ve seen this happen and it’s not necessary and certainly not helpful.
Before I came to understand my relationship with the sisters, my reaction to the noisy arrival of Loneliness was to fill my time with activities to drown out the whine of her annoying voice. I refused to sit with her and get to know her better. I would bury myself in Netflix, Instagram, YouTube, PlayStation… I would call up friends and drag out conversations and make a nuisance of myself without properly considering their needs and how I might be keeping them from things they might want to be doing rather than listening to me ramble on. Now I know that Loneliness just craves some attention. She has things to teach me and, as soon as you give her space and respect, she is content to settle quietly next to you and speak calmly.
Loneliness has, since I allowed her to, shown me some very interesting things about myself that I would otherwise not have seen. She has a special light that shines into dark, neglected corners other torches have not illuminated. It turns out she is capable of care and compassion once you listen to her and give her your attention.
I feel that, once I’ve properly listened to all she has to say, she will leave and not return. That seems to be the deal. If I am to have the desired loving long term relationship with Aloneness, I have to listen to her sister and, you know what, once you get to know her, she’s not that bad… she will uphold her end of the deal. She will tell you her truth – your truth – and then leave.
Reach out to friends, family, neighbours that you know are alone and who might be lonely. Ask how they’re doing. Ask twice. Give them a chance to be honest about how they’re really feeling.
- For everyone -
Advise if you are feeling lonely
First, recognise that it is, in fact, loneliness that you are experiencing. There are doppelgängers that require different approaches – things like Boredom, Apathy and Dependency. Loneliness will have it’s unique signature in your body if you sit for a minute with your feelings and allow them to talk to you.
Be extra kind and loving to yourself. Avoid judging and criticising yourself for feeling this perfectly natural feeling. We humans are social animals – there is nothing wrong in feeling that lack. The key element of self-care is acceptance.
If you’re feeling mentally and spiritually strong enough, try and hear what your loneliness is trying to tell you. Is it reflecting your inability to be with yourself? Why does being alone make you feel lonely as opposed to energised. The answer may be very simple – you are not getting the human contact you need – there’s nothing wrong with that; it just leaves the question, what are you going to do about that? If it’s something else, then try and identify it as precisely as possible and do some research or start a conversation with us at CWH as a member – we’d love to try and help you get to the bottom of it.
Think clearly and rationally about what is possible and what is not. Avoid wasting time on what is not possible. Wishful thinking is not helpful. Fantasising about visits from friends (this is not the same as visualising as described below), daydreaming about parties, clubbing, gigs, movies together will only speed up the spiral towards despair.
Avoid autopilot masking or distracting behaviours that offer no nourishment and are, often, destructive, like social media rabbit holes, drinking, drugs, porn, Netflix binges… anything that is not a conscious informed choice… seeking pleasure is not a problem, but be clear what you are seeking and why – take responsibility for your choices rather than drifting into them as the easy way out. Remember, looking for a different outcome by repeating the same action is the very definition of insanity.
Accept the situation. Accept the situation. Accept the situation. Then work within its constraints.
Make a strong, conscious effort to stay physically and mentally healthy. Move, eat well, read, meditate and, above all, be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Take time to feed your soul. Create a soul food jar and take and item out every day and do it. Everything you need to know about soul food and where to find it is HERE
Visualise the presence of the loved ones you’re missing. This may seem like an idea out of left field, but try it. Sit on the left side of a sofa with eyes closed and hands lightly clasped in your lap. Count 5 breaths and then, without moving your hands or fingers, focus your attention on your hands (you will likely feel more a tingly ball of warmth, a sort of energy rather than anything precise) and then visualise the person you’re missing sitting to your right side and then reaching across with their left hand and placing it over your clasped hands. Feel how your body responds. Convey your love to the person. Feel their love for you.
Call on your network, if you have one. I know this takes courage, but isn’t that a small price to pay for what you really need? Reach out – phone, WhatsApp, Facetime, zoom, everything you’ve got. Those that have space for you in their own struggles, will respond and, I hope, pleasantly surprise you with their love and care. Please bear in mind, though, that everyone is on their own journey. Someone’s inability to respond will not be about you, but about where they are in their experience and circumstances. No judgement. Remember that most people who have not been or are not lonely cannot truly empathise with your loneliness; especially those who like being alone and want more alone time than they’re getting. Broadly speaking, it is a sad irony that introverts have the least access to real empathy for loneliness – they find it hard to imagine too much aloneness.
Engage with us. We’re here to provide resources and guidance and we welcome and value your thoughts, so comment on our blog posts, give us the benefit of your wisdom and experience. We are all learning and conversation is an amazing and useful way of combatting loneliness.
Reach out online. There are chat groups and forums for more or less any interest or hobby, not to mention the dizzying array of courses, many of them free. Lockdown is an amazing time to learn a new skill. Read that book you’ve been meaning to read for years.
Finally, when nobodies there to watch or judge, you can do anything. Anything! Go nuts! Talk to yourself, read the news in a funny voice, dance naked in your hallway, stay in bed all day just because you can, look at yourself and decide you’re pretty damn OK as you are. Be kind to yourself. Be kind. Be.
